The only engineer who never sleeps on call.
Meet our Chief Security Officer. He wears safety goggles because he is permanently mid-audit of your production database. Bark-based encryption, goggle-vision monitoring, and a 100% record of detecting mailmen before they reach the perimeter.
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Security primitives, but with a dog
A complete platform built on technologies our CSO invented by accident while chasing a laser.
Real-time bark-based encryption
Every packet is barked at before it leaves the building. Eavesdroppers hear only a very good boy, which is cryptographically meaningless to them.
24/7 goggle-vision monitoring
The goggles never come off. Anomalies are detected the instant they look slightly suspicious, then stared at until they leave.
Zero-trust, full-snout policy
Nobody gets in without a sniff. Failed authentication triggers an escalating sequence of head tilts and, if needed, a single decisive boop.
Sub-second incident response
Average time from threat to response is one tail wag. Critical incidents receive two tail wags and a low, professional growl.
Multi-paw authentication
Requires up to four paws and an optional belly verification. Phishing attempts are foiled because he simply does not read email.
Continuous compliance fetch
Audit logs are retrieved, dropped at your feet, and retrieved again. Reports are delivered slightly damp but provably tamper-evident.
He is auditing right now. Yes, even now.
A real-time window into the goggle-vision console. No humans were trusted in the making of this log.
Reviews from very serious people
Aggregated from incident retros, performance reviews, and one notarized sandwich.
"He found a bug in my sandwich. 10/10 security."
"Our database has never been safer, mostly because nobody dares touch it while he is watching."
"We replaced our entire SIEM with one dog in goggles. Costs went down. Morale went way up."
"He audited my git history and barked at exactly the commit I was ashamed of. Uncanny."
"Detected an intruder. It was the vacuum. Still counts."
"Compliance was a nightmare until he started fetching the audit logs personally. Slightly chewed, fully valid."
Pay him in treats. He does not accept equity.
Every plan is backed by our industry-leading promise: he will try his absolute best, which is a lot.
Good Boy
- 1 goggle, part-time
- Bark alerts (business hours)
- Weekly tail-wag report
- Naps included
Very Good Boy
- Both goggles, full-time
- Real-time bark-based encryption
- Sub-second incident response
- Quarterly belly-rub review
Who's A Good Boy
- Multi-region zoomies
- Dedicated treat liaison
- On-site mailman deterrence
- Priority belly access
Audited, attested, and entirely above board
Put a dog in goggles on your perimeter today.
No credit card. No procurement review. Just treats, vigilance, and an unshakeable belief that everyone outside is a threat.